


Superficial Sacrifice

by Woodpeltneko (Woodpelt_the_pussycat)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Author Projecting onto Taako (The Adventure Zone), Blood, Blood and Injury, Canon Gay Relationship, Canon Trans Character, Compulsion, Cursing in other languages, Dermatillomania, Drugs, Elvish, Fix-It, I don't do justice to Lup & Taako, I had to cut a few scenes because this is longer than I expected, I'm bad at writing siblings, Illusions, M/M, Merle Highchurch being a dad, Merle the provider of weed to the birds, Misuse of Magic?, Nicknames, Oysters as a Metaphor, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Skin picking, Smoking, Spoilers for Episode: e051-057 The Suffering Game Parts 1-7, Spoilers for Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Teleportation, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000, a chill dad though, bottlenose cove, difficult conversations, is this too many tags?, mentions of the Umbra Staff, other d&d spells, past self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23707792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woodpelt_the_pussycat/pseuds/Woodpeltneko
Summary: Taako struggles to acknowledge his feeling about his Wonderland sacrifice. Lup and Kravitz want to help, but can't unless he lets them.ORTaako has pretty bad skin picking compulsions.--I blame You, you know who you are. thanks for recommending TAZ
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Magnus Burnsides & Taako, Mavis & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Merle Highchurch & Taako
Comments: 5
Kudos: 85





	Superficial Sacrifice

Most of Taako’s family had seen him without the glamor up at least once or twice. Kravitz was one of the few that Taako would stay undisguised for. Still, Taako didn’t like being seen without the facade.

Taako is sitting in front of his vanity, staring blankly into his undisguised face and scratching at one particularly frustrating blemish when his sister forgets to knock on the door. Needing permission to enter each other’s rooms is a long since forgein concept between them, but  _ still, _ he would prefer some warning. 

“Hey!” Lup starts, then frowns and looks at him closer.

He looks up at her, then remembers himself and flicks his fingers to put up the glamor. 

She sighs, ‘It’s just me’ goes unsaid, but they both know that wouldn’t be enough for him to relax.

“What do you need, Lulu?” Taako forces himself to ask.

“I was just looking for my blue hair tie, you thief,” she responds, pointing an accusatory finger at him.

He looks at himself in the mirror once more, and feigns surprise at the fact that he is indeed wearing one of her hair ties. “Mine today, sis,” he informs her.

He drags a nail across one blemish, invisible under the glamor, but still very much there. 

“Koko,” Lup says in a warning tone.

“What?” He digs his nail in a little harder.

She frowns. “Babe, you’re bleeding.”

He mirrors her expression, and looks at his fingertips. Sure enough, there’s blood there. He makes a vaguely surprised sound, though he doesn’t really care. 

Taako casts Prestidigitation to clear up the blood. “There.”

“No, Taako, you can’t just do that. People don’t just randomly bleed,” Lup insists.

“It’s nothing, Lulu.” Taako’s hand returns to its business scratching his face.

She steps towards him, grabbing his wrist. “Stop that,” Lup snaps.

“Lup, listen. I use the glamor anyway. It doesn’t matter if I look like shit underneath it.” He pulls his hand away from her slightly, his other hand raising to scratch at his face instead. 

She sighs. “Clearly it matters to you, or you wouldn’t even use the glamor, Koko.” She picks up his hand. “There’s still blood on your fingers, idiot,” Lup notes.

Lup picks up a makeup wipe from the vanity and uses it to clean the rest of the blood off that hand. 

For a moment they just sit there, Lup holding Taako’s right hand as he scratches his face with his left. 

Taako sighs, then drops the illusion. “Listen, I just… it doesn’t feel right,” he explains vaguely. 

“Yeah, I know,” Lup responds. “Will you let me clean you up a bit?” she asks, gently touching an open wound on his cheek.

“Lup, we both know healing spells,” he reminds her.

“Like we ever use them, little bro,” she snarks back. 

“Touche,” he admits. 

Lup stands up, going off to get some bandages and ointment. Taako keeps scratching at his face. He listens to Lup rummaging through the medicine cabinet. 

Then the familiar sound of a rift opening comes from the living room. Taako pokes his head out of his room at the same time as Lup peeks around the corner. It’s Kravitz, of course. 

Kravitz smiles gently at Taako, and his gaze turns a little curious at Lup. “Hello.”

“Hey, bone daddy,” Lup says off handedly.

Taako just stares at Kravitz for a second. Then he remembers his face, and puts the illusion back up. 

Kravitz’s smile falters for a split second. 

“Koko, I can’t heal what I can’t see. You said you would let me!” Lup calls, levitating a few first aid items on her way towards him.

“Heal?” Kravitz asks.

Taako steps the rest of the way into the hallway, meeting the other two in the middle. “It’s nothing, bubbelah, Lulu’s just being paranoid.”

“Taako,” Lup warns.

“Lup, I’m fine,” he snaps in response.

“Alright, what’s going on?” Kravitz asks.

“Taako’s been-”

“Shut up, Lup!” Taako interrupts.

“Fine. It’s not my place to say,” Lup agrees. “But you better tell him.”

Kravitz looks between the twins, confused, but with a growing suspicion. “Taako, is this about your appearance?”

“No!” Taako defends reflexively. “I mean, not really.”

Kravitz cocks his head to one side. “Taako, you know I don’t mind the way you look. I love you, illusion or not.”

“I know, that’s not it,” Taako argues.

“What did you tell Lup she could heal?” Kravitz asks gently.

“It’s nothing,” Taako says, on edge again. He digs a nail into his cheek where he feels a scab. 

“Taako, are you self harming?” Kravitz asks, fearing the worst.

“What?” Taako looks genuinely startled. “No, I would never!”

Lup frowns. 

“I mean, list- listen, technically, by literal definitions, yes, but I’m definitely not doing that.”

Kravitz frowns, still a bit confused. Taako digs his nail in a little harder, and then it clicks for Kravitz. He steps forward and puts a hand over Taako’s on his face. “Love, just because we can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.”

Taako tenses up. “I…” he trails off. Then he pushes Kravitz back, shaking a little. “I can’t do this right now,” he finishes. He shuts himself in his room- well, it’s Kravitz’s as well, but right now it’s his- and sits against the door. Lup tries to open the door, but he presses back against it. 

“Taako, please, we need to talk about this,” she calls through the door.

“Leave me alone, Lup,” he manages. It’s not even midday yet, and Taako feels exhausted. Gods, he feels so tired. 

Taako lies down on the floor, back still firmly against the door, and casts Sleep on himself.

When Taako wakes up, he’s lying in his bed. Which means… one of the two reapers he refused to speak to used a rift to get into his room. His ears twitch, trying to figure out if someone else is in the room currently before he opens his eyes. 

He hears a page of a book turn. Must be Kravitz. Taako opens his eyes and looks at Kravitz, who has taken a seat at the edge of the bed. Kravitz is reading some sci-fi novel in the midafternoon light. He meets Taako’s gaze without saying anything. 

They sit in silence for a moment, and Taako looks away. 

Lup walks in after about a minute, holding a cup of tea. “Thought you might wake up soon, Koko. Have some tea,” she says, offering him the mug.

Taako takes the mug of tea reflexively. He stares into the drink blankly. 

The three of them sit for a long moment and Taako takes a couple sips of tea. He sets the cup down on the nightstand, only then realizing that Lup had collected the first aid items from earlier there. He gives her a sharp look. 

“Sweetheart, will you let me help you?” Lup asks.

Taako frowns, looks at her for a moment, and then puts the illusion back up. He stands up abruptly, muttering something in elvish about needing a shower. 

“Taako?” Kravitz asks, standing up to follow him. Lup catches Kravitz’s sleeve before he can move and shakes her head.

“He needs some space,” she tells him. 

Taako showers, returns to his bedroom briefly for a change of clothes, changes in the bathroom and leaves the house without a destination in mind. He wanders for a while, then finds a bar that he settles in. He orders too many drinks, then starts hustling strangers for free drinks. At some point he starts flirting with strangers to get the drinks too. He never stays close to any one person for long. He may be feeling self destructive, but he would never hurt Kravitz like that. Eventually the bartender cuts him off. Taako wanders around again. He’s not quite sure how, but he ends up at Bottlenose Cove, knocking on Merle’s door. He doesn’t know why he’s there. He doesn’t even know if Merle is home. 

Before Taako can convince himself that going there was a mistake, Merle opens the door. “Hey there, bud. What’s going on?” Merle asks, gesturing for Taako to enter. 

Taako stumbles through the door, and too drunk to lie, mumbles “Dunno, didn’t wanna go home.”

Merle hums in acknowledgement, and helps Taako to the couch.

When Taako wakes up he finds himself under a blanket on Merle’s couch. He sits up, looks around and sees Merle preparing some tea in the kitchen. Then he realizes he has a terrible headache. He lets out a quiet groan. Merle looks over at him.

“Hey, welcome back to the land of the living, pal,” Merle jokes. 

“Fuck,” Taako says eloquently.

Merle chuckles. “Need a hangover remedy?”

Taako runs a hand through his hair. “Gods, yes.”

Merle sets about gathering ingredients. “Wanna talk about it?”

Taako scoffs.

“I’ll take that as a no.” Merle says, then hands Taako a cup of dark green liquid.

“The fuck, dude?” Taako asks, wrinkling his nose at the ‘beverage’.

“Ain’t pretty and it doesn’t taste good, but it works,” Merle informs him.

Taako sighs, then chugs the disgusting liquid. He notices his hands are shaking. He looks up in time to see Mavis exiting the kitchen, which is enough to remind him to put his illusion up. He curses under his breath in elvish. 

“Whatcha thinking about, buddy?” Merle asks.

“Nothing,” Taako responds, then rethinks his answer. “Got any weed, my man?”

“Sure,” Merle says, “A joint for your thoughts?”

Taako makes a vaguely affirmative noise, and follows Merle into another room. By the looks of it, the room is reserved for this purpose.

Around 20 minutes later, Taako finally says something real. “Fuck, I mean I don’t give a shit about how I look without the spell anymore. Why should I care?”

“Oh, so that’s what this is about?”

“Yeah, no shit, homie,” Taako snaps. He flicks his fingers and drops the illusion, then immediately puts it back up. “My shit is fucked up, and fucking, fuckin- Lup is trying to,” he makes air quotes, “ _ help me _ or whatever.”

Merle is silent.

“And she just had to go and tell Krav too. Like, l-listen, I know I’m fucked, but maybe I want to deal with it on my own fucking schedule.” Taako emphasises the last word by pulling a nail down his cheek. 

“Did’ja tell her that you need time?” Merle asks

“She knows, y’know, psychic twins ‘n all that bullshit.” 

They sit quietly for a while.

Taako leaves Merle’s house about an hour later. He wanders on the beach for longer than he means to. He picks at one particular scab for longer than he means to. Eventually he grows frustrated with the feeling of various scabs on his face, scratches a little harder than he meant to, and realizes there’s a lot of blood on his fingertips and under his nails.

He sits down in the sand and picks up a rock, which he transmutes into a compact mirror. Taako looks around before dropping the illusion. He looks at himself in the mirror and Prestidigitates blood off his face, then his fingers. Then notices another scab and starts picking at that one.

“Uncle Taako?”

Taako nearly jumps out of his skin. He hurriedly puts the illusion back up, and turns to see Mavis. He takes a moment to remember how to talk to children. “Hey, kiddo, what’s shaking?”

“How long have you been sitting on our beach?” she asks him. 

“Well…” he looks up at the sky. It’s about midday, if he goes by the position of the sun. “A few hours?” 

“We’re having lunch soon, do you wanna join us?” Mavis offers.

“Nah, cha’boy’s gotta get home, thanks though.”

She pulls an oyster shell from her pocket and hands it to him. “This is for you,” she tells him simply. 

“Uh, thanks, bubbelah.” Taako takes the shell and turns it over. He hears a small rattle from the shell. He gently pulls it open, and sure enough, there’s a small pearl in it. “Huh.”

“I thought you might like that,” Mavis says, smiling. 

Taako forces a smile back at her. “Thanks,” he says again, and for some reason he means it a little more now.

Mavis waves and walks back toward her house. 

He really should get home. Taako stands up and starts walking. He finds himself picking at his ears, despite them twitching in reaction. 

He finally gets home and when he walks through the door Kravitz bolts up from his spot on the couch. “Taako!” He hugs Taako tight. “I was worried about you,” Kravitz says. 

Taako doesn’t say anything. He looks over Kravitz’s shoulder, seeing Lup watching them from the couch and… Magnus. Magnus is sitting and carving into a block of wood. 

“I knew you were safe,” Kravitz continues, “I knew you were with Merle, but I can’t help worrying about you, Taako.” 

“Merle told you? That bastard,” Taako mutters quietly. 

Kravitz pulls back a little and frowns. “Are you alright?”

Taako pauses. “Why’re you here, Mags?” he asks, stepping around Kravitz towards the center of the room.

“Uh…” Magnus starts, then looks at Kravitz.

Kravitz sighs. “I asked him to come. I only know a bit about what happened in wonderland, so I-”

“You wanted someone who saw that shit first hand, huh?” Taako interrupts.

Kravitz nods.

Magnus clears his throat. “I know that was hard for you, Taako. If there’s any way I can help, I’d love to.”

Taako glares at him. “Don’t act like I sacrificed shit, Magnus,” he snaps. 

“Wh-”

“No! You know what, I lost a couple hit points and some superficial shit. You lost your whole body! Merle lost an eye  _ and _ his darkvision! You’re in the same room as my  _ sister _ who was trapped in a  _ fucking umbrella _ for more than ten years! Don’t try to tell me I made a sacrifice! Hell, I can respect Lucretia’s  _ bullshit _ as more of a sacrifice than I made! Fuck!” 

“Ta-”

“No! Get out of my fucking house!”

Magnus looks upset, which shoots a pang of guilt through Taako’s chest before he turns on his heel and storms off to his room.

Taako fumbles with the lock, because he really doesn’t want to have this conversation right now, but before he can get his shaking fingers to turn the lock a rift opens in the center of the room. He curses in elvish and it takes more effort than he would like to admit not to bash his head against the door.

The rift closes after Kravitz steps through. “Taako.”

He stays silent. 

“I know we pushed you.” Kravitz speaks slowly, as if choosing his words one by one. “It’s alright if you don’t want to resolve this right now, but… I need you to know I care about you so much, Taako.”

Taako purses his lips, fighting back tears. The illusion flickers, then drops entirely. He runs his hand through his hair, then settles it just in front of his ear, scratching slowly. 

“Taako, it’s… difficult to see you hurting.”

He feels Kravitz approach him and his ears twitch. He can almost ignore what Kravitz is talking about, and his voice alone is slightly soothing. 

“You went through so much to get here, I can’t imagine… I can’t imagine how hard that was for you.” Kravitz pauses. “It’s natural to have difficulties processing things like that. It can make someone feel… like they don’t deserve to feel okay. I’ve… seen it a lot. I… some people didn’t even realize that they were hurting themselves.”

There's a long pause. “What?” Taako finally asks.

“Yesterday you said you weren’t self-harming,” Kravitz starts carefully, “but self-harm isn’t always cutting, you know that, right?”

Taako turns just a bit toward Kravitz. Sure, he knows that. He’s seen people who self-harm before. Even Lup did that when they were very young. “I don’t… I’m not doing that.” He can’t bring himself to say the words. 

“Taako, you said it yourself… you  _ are _ hurting yourself.” Kravitz puts one hand on Taako’s shoulder.

Taako raises a hand to scratch at his face again, but freezes halfway through. “No… I’m… I’m not doing it on purpose,” he protests weakly.

“Self-harm isn’t always deliberate,” Kravitz tells him quietly.

“But…” Taako turns to face him fully. Kravitz gently pulls Taako into a hug.

“Some…” Kravitz hesitates. “I started unintentionally and… then I couldn’t stop. It was compulsive.”

Taako finally meets his gaze. “You…?” Taako looks him up and down, as if he can find scars on Kravitz’s fully clothed form.

“It was a long time ago, but I remember… I was scared when I realized I couldn’t stop,” Kravitz tells him quietly.

“I-I could stop,” Taako tries.

Kravitz raises an eyebrow at him. “I’m not saying you couldn’t. I just want to be here for you.”

“Okay,” Taako agrees, his voice breaking. He catches himself as he tries to bring a hand up to scratch again. He bites his lip, and puts both his hands on Kravitz’s sleeves.

They’re silent for a minute.

“I don’t know if I can stop,” Taako blurts.

“I know,” Kravitz says, then kisses the top of his head. “One thing at a time. Do you want some help treating these?” Kravitz asks, brushing a thumb over recently opened wounds on Taako’s cheek.

Taako pauses. “Can Lup be nearby too?”

“Of course,” Kravitz answers.

There’s a pause where neither of them moves. 

“Can I kiss you?” Kravitz asks.

Taako skips a verbal answer in favor of pulling Kravitz down to press their lips together.


End file.
